School Daze
by Sensoo
Summary: Pip takes a blow to the head and finds himself in the Hellsing Institute for Delinquents and Other Supernatural Fiends. He's survived zombies, wars, and a few Hellsing volumes. Can he make it through high school? Rather AU w spoilers.


A/N: OOCness...as I'm known for. Some PxS, IxE, IxA, AAxY, YanxS, egads...I'm just throwing random pairings in here for the Hell of it. This utitlizes both anime and manga characters. I'm starting to wonder if this is even funny...but too late, eh?

PG-13: Mostly language, in fact, the language is strong...though you may hate me for a certain image that occurs...

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.

* * *

It was a pleasantly sunny and peaceful day. Considering that he did not actually have to work until evening, Captain Pip Bernadotte lounged in the shade of a great oak on the Hellsing property. He was accompanied by a bottle of decent liquor and a borrowed batch of Henry Winterman cigars.

It was there, clinging to the shadows, that Seras found him.

"Captain," she greeted a little stiffly. Her arms were crossed in slight disapproval.

"Hey Draculina!" Pip greeted cheerfully. "You're as perky as ever."

Seras gave him a dirty look when she realized that he had been talking to her chest, again. She glowered at him, trying to appear as frightening as possible, in all her undead glory. It didn't work.

"You don't scare me," Pip said with a laugh. "You can't leave the safety of that shadow."

Seras grinned darkly and picked up a rock. She tossed it into the air a few times.

"Sticks and stones can break your bones," she said smugly.

"Like you'd do it." He pulled his hat down over his eye. "Now if you'll go crawl back under your rock, I'd like to get some shut-eye."

Seras growled. "Oh, don't worry about me, I'll help you get that rest." With a flick of her wrist, the stone flew through the air, and Pip found himself in the land of Nod far faster than he had anticipated.

* * *

Pip awoke, rather groggily, to Seras bending over him poking him with her toe. He groaned and made sure to focus on her face, not her chest.

"Bloody Hell, Seras, you don't have to resort to violence every time I tease you..."

Seras gave him a puzzled look.

"How do you know my name?"

"What?! C'mon Draculina, I might be dense, but I did make sure to find out your name before I started doing dumb things around you."

The redhead looked a bit startled. "I just started here today. Yes. My name is Seras Victoria, what's yours?"

Pip blinked rapidly.

"Quit batting your eyes at me, just answer my question."

"Eyes?"

"Yea, those two squishy things in your head that seem to be malfunctioning."

"Two?"

"That's standard issue," she said rolling her eyes.

Pip shut his right eye...and he could still see. Clutching his face, Pip let loose a wild laugh. "I...they're both here!!!"

"...Right...I think I'll get going now; I'm going to be late for class." The pretty red-haired, crimson-eyed girl turned around.

"Class?"

Pip looked up at the building that loomed overhead. The Hellsing Institute for Delinquents and Other Supernatural Fiends.

He gaped and glanced back at Seras, who was already going through the doors.

"Wait for me!!!!"

Pip was out of breath by the time he caught up Seras. The girl seemed to know where she was going. Pip, on the other hand, remembered the Hellsing Organization, was an undead-massacring gang of lunatics. The Hellsing Institute? What the Hell?!

"I'm Pip Bernadotte, and I have no idea what I'm doing here." He looked around, a little suspicious of the slouching, angsty teens that seemed to be surrounding them. Come to think of it, Seras looked a little younger too. She was also wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

"It's high school," she muttered, rifling through a stack of papers. "After this, we're going to get an education so we can go out into the world and make a difference."

Pip stared at her incredulously.

"I'm a transfer student."

"I-I'm new here, too."

"Well," Seras gave him a shy smile. "I'm going to see the Headmaster, Sir Hellsing. I suppose you'll want to tag along?"

Pip nodded dumbly, still absorbing the implications of his situation. "That'd be good. That'd be very good."

* * *

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing glared impatiently at the coffee maker. That damn made-in-Japan junk was malfunctioning again. She lit a cigar and listened to it attempt to percolate.

"What kind of example are you setting, Sir Hellsing?" A smooth voice inquired.

Integra did not turn around. "You can crawl back under your respective rock, Maxwell, unless you've brought me a gift from your namesake."

"Your words wound me, Sir Hellsing," Enrico Maxwell laughed as he sidled up to her. "All this requires is some finesse." Deftly, Enrico began fiddling with the controls, adjusting the dials, and finally settled for smacking the filter cover. Suddenly, it began to make normal coffee-making sounds.

"Finesse?"

"Finesse," he reiterated smugly. "You're in a mood this morning."

"Why did you recommend "The Passion" to Alucard?"

"He's the history professor," Enrico stated innocently. "I thought he'd take a professional interest..."

"Bullocks."

"I took Coach Anderson."

"...A date, eh?"

"Hardly. He needed a fellow man of the faith for company. And Anderson's too shy to ask Miss Takagi, anyway."

"So he settled for you?"

Enrico ignored the barb. "I shall never attend another movie with Anderson. Ever. He talks loudly, blows his nose on my sleeve, and when the usher asked him to tone it down, he threatened the poor man with death and excommunication. But, on the bright side, he did exact holy vengeance on cell phone users."

Integra smirked.

"Yes, well Professor Alucard insisted on my attendance. Unfortunately, he spent the entire movie laughing riotously or complaining that he was "hungry." A few times, during those periodic memory lapses, he would ask me if this was something he did. I owe you one for planting that little seed."

"I suppose you wouldn't be convinced if I told you that this was payback for the New Year's Eve party affair?"

"No indeed; we were both quite drunk and I cannot be held responsible because someone kept offering me more and stripping down to his skivvies..."

They were interrupted by a tentative knock at the door.

"Enter!" Integra barked, crushing her cigar.

Seras and Pip inched into the office.

"Headmaster Hellsing?" Seras inquired, looking at Enrico.

"That would be my Assistant Headmaster Maxwell," Integra stated coolly.

"My apologies," Seras laughed nervously. "I'm the new transfer student, Seras Victoria...and this is Pip Bernadotte. We were checking in for our schedules and directions."

Integra studied them both. Miss Victoria was diffident, but well mannered. The Frenchy hadn't spoken at all.

"I see. Maxwell, do you have their paperwork ready? And Mr. Bernadotte, remove your hat while indoors." Pip quickly responded.

"I believe so." The man gave Seras an approving look. "Yes, hold on a moment," he poured himself some coffee.

Integra glared at him.

"And get them hall passes while you're at it. Laissez-faire Catholics..."

Seras and Pip exchanged looks.

"Room numbers are based on floors. Room 204 is the fourth room on the second floor. Stairs are located on both ends of the halls and lunch will be provided, afternoon tea, will not."

"Thank you, sir," Seras laughed nervously.

Pip continued to stare.

Enrico came back with some paperwork. "Schedules, hall passes, and school rules. Your locker information is on your schedules...second floor I believe, situated right next to each other."

"Thank you," Seras said, backing out the office with Pip close behind.

* * *

"Thanks for all the help back there," Seras handed Pip his schedule and hall pass. "I mean, it's not like I did all the talking or anything."

"Umm..." Pip flushed slightly. "Sorry...I'm just...it's all very surreal."

Seras gave him an exasperated look. "You are a strange one."

"I'm out of my element," he answered truthfully, placing his hat back on his head. Examining his schedule, he glanced over at hers. They were exactly the same. He brightened visibly at this. At least he wasn't going to reface the mad world of high school alone.

"We have English grammar and lit, first," he observed aloud.

"Room 205, Professor D-D-O-L-L-N-E-A-Z-Z. How do we say his name?"

"...We can fake it, and just call him professor the entire time," Pip suggested.

As they conversed a large shadow fell across them. Pip gulped and turned around. Seras did the same.

They came face to face with a somber, blonde, trench coat-clad youth. He looked down at them expectantly.

"Umm, hello?"

The blonde remained silent and continued to wait. Pip shifted nervously while Seras stared at the interloper.

"..."

"What does he want?" Pip asked in a stage whisper.

"I don't know."

"Try giving him your phone number."

Seras gave Pip a dirty look. Pip shrugged. It would have worked on him.

Stoic, though growing slightly impatient, the Aryan repeated the gesture of extending his hand. Pip shook it.

"It's a pleasure. I'm Pip Bernadotte. Recent-as-of-this-fine-morning transfer student. I just got my schedule and hall pass. See?" Pip waved the papers in the other boy's face.

The blonde immediately snapped to attention and snatched the hall pass out of Pip's hand. Holding it up to the light, he examined the watermark for authenticity. Satisfied, he nodded curtly and returned the pass. Seras, a fast learner, passed him hers. He checked hers as well, before returning it and wandering off.

"...Hall monitor?" Pip asked weakly.

"Good thinking," Seras said cheerfully.

Pip laughed sheepishly. "Well, I wasn't about to let you be intimidated by tall, silent, and uber-creepy."

"He was kind of cute," Seras observed aloud.

Pip winced. Girls always went for the strong, silent, broody types, didn't they? Flipping his braid he sighed. Seras, in all her cute, vampy, I-kill-the-undead, glory was a babe. Seras as a schoolgirl with a bit more confidence to boot- that was just as enticing, though possibly illegal. He sighed again. Damn his heritage...he was turning into a lovesick goose.

And true to that cute, girl-next-door personality, Seras beamed at him.

"What?" He scowled.

"We're going to be even later if you don't stop daydreaming."

He opened his mouth to declare that this was a dream...but she grabbed his wrist and dragged him toward the stairs. He winced slightly. Seras didn't realize her own strength.

* * *

Having taken unwarranted, albeit accidental abuse from Seras, Pip rubbed his tender wrists and pouted. She didn't seem to notice and instead presented their hall passes to a distinguished old man wearing a monocle.

Pip did a double take.

"Walter?"

"You would do well to address me as "Professor Ddollneazz," The Englishman responded curtly. "And Mr. Bernadotte, you be so kind as to remove your hat?" He eyed Pip sternly.

Pip inwardly cringed and ducked behind Seras. "Sorry," he mumbled as he hastily yanked his hat off.

"Take a seat behind the Valentine Brothers." Professor Ddollneazz gestured to a bored blonde and another teen whose face was filled with metal. Pip sat behind the gay-looking one, and Seras sat behind the freak.

Valentine Brothers...that certainly rang a bell. Pip strained his brain to come up with the reference. The pierced one was "Yan..." and the fag was "Luke." "Yan," as one must assume his unloving mother named him, turned and grinned lewdly at Seras.

"Hey, you're pretty fucking hot," he leered.

Seras rolled her eyes as she realized that he was talking to her chest.

Pip winced. Big mistake that.

"Shove off, asswipe," she purred sweetly. Pip's jaw dropped. Did...did Seras just swear?! Well, it was high school...and everyone did lack the acquired dignity of maturity. And some people never attained it...

"What your fucking problem, bitch?!" Yan yelled.

Luke groaned and rolled his eyes.

Walter stopped his lecture and addressed their corner of the room, "And what seems to be the problem Mr. Valentine?"

"Fuck off geezer! This is between that bitch and me. Wouldn't want you to get hurt!"

Pip marveled at how much Yan could say and still mean absolutely nothing. That kind of idiocy took talent.

Walter raised a brow. "You've interrupted my class, Mr. Valentine."

"Like I care," Yan stood, slamming his desk into the girl in front of him. "Who gives a fuck about your dumb rotting Stoker?! This shit bores the Hell out of me! And that pussy "Van Helsing?" Who gives a shit what the fuck he was fucking with?!" Yan kicked over an empty desk. "I don't. Now what can you do about it, old man?"

Walter remained unimpressed. "You'd do well to sit down now, Mr. Valentine. We will speak after class."

Yan remained defiant. "You can't stop me, if say, I were to snog this bitch." He gestured to Seras.

"I wouldn't try that if I were you," Seras growled.

Yan leaned over her desk.

Pip was on his feet in an instant.

"Sit down, Mr. Bernadotte. I will deal with this...child."

Luke shook his head and rolled his eyes again.

Yan turned his attention back to Walter. Too slow: Walter's fingers flew and in seconds, Yan was bound by silver monofilament.

"Don't struggle too heard. I wouldn't want to mess up the carpet," Walter smiled ferally.

"You bastard! Fuck you old man! When I get of this, I'm gonna..."

Seras crammed a wad of paper in his mouth; this muffled his near perpetual stream of obscenities. Satisfied, she pinched his cheek.

"Thank you Miss Victoria; he was becoming rather tiresome."

"You're quite welcome, Professor Ddollneazz." They exchanged pleased smiles before Walter turned his attention back to Yan.

"Now class," he addressed his more than attentive students. "I am well aware that this is an English literature class, that sometimes broaches the topic of grammar. However, I am a firm supporter of improvision. Therefore, unorthodox as it may be, I am going to give you an elementary geometry review."

Yan lay on his side, his squirming minimal.

"An angel is made by the junction of two lines. Using Mr. Valentine here as a model- and basing the vertex on his gluteus maximus I will proceed to explain the different kinds of angels. "An angel greater than 90 degrees is "obtuse," like our friend here.

He smiled pleasantly at the entranced class. "Now, due to his unfortunate, albeit indispensable predicament, there is no ay we are ever going to be able to change his status to "acute."

"That predicament being his natural stupidity, eh?" Pip whispered to Seras. She covered her mouth, but he could tell that she thought it was funny. Score!

"Acute" being an angle less than 90 degrees. We would have to bend him to a lesser degree...one may imagine what would happen should we choose to do so." His fingers flew, weaving something...pulling... With unduplicated precision, Walter had Yan back in his seat, sitting with perfect posture. "Now, if you base your measurements on the curvature of his hips, Mr. Valentine is now at a 90 degree angle. Being, should he remain sitting thus so, he'd be just "right."

Pip observed these events with fascination. He'd known that the geezer was a former operative, and a pretty legendary one at that, but he had never suspected Walter to be so...so...badass. Marveling, Pip looked aback at Seras who seemed strangely unfazed.

And then the bell rang. The class filed out quickly, giving Walter and Yan their promised "after class" time.

Gathering up her stuff, Seras checked her schedule. "History, Room 066...must be in the basement. Professor Alucard?"

"That sound like fun," Pip muttered, very unenthusiastic.

Seras shot him a puzzled look.

"...Basement equals dungeon. It's what comes to mind," he added quickly.

Seras nodded. "I should probably go to my locker."

"I'll come too!" Pip said a little too quickly.

* * *

They found their lockers with little trouble. Pip had nothing to store...Hell, he hadn't even brought a pencil. Seras, on the other hand, unloaded a backpack full of nifty new school supplies. Pip would cast long sidelong glances Seras's way. Two eyes? That meant the better to ogle her! He slapped his forehead after that thought. He didn't recall being this immature...

After Seras had dumped her stuff, they made their way back down to the ground floor. It was there that they searched vainly for an entrance to this alleged basement. Finally, with his boldness returning, Pip approached the trench coat-clad janitor for directions.

"Conehead" might have been a little too dramatic to describe the shape of the man's skull. Besides being tattooed and pierced in very strange ways, one eye was larger than the other...overall, that bastard was damned scary.

"Do you have any idea where Professor Alucard's basement classroom is?"

Laying aside the broom and a giant gun, (Pip wondered if all the faculty members were armed to the teeth...) he smiled maniacally and opened his long black coat to reveal...he wasn't wearing anything else.

Pip vaguely heard Seras choking in the background, but he was too busy coping with firsthand trauma to care.

Incognito laughed uncontrollably.

"MY EYES!!!" Pip wailed, still very grateful to have them both, but at the same time very much desiring to dig them out with a spoon. That horrendous site, too terrible for accurate description, was burned in his mind's eye as well. That one needed to go, too...

The exhibitionist janitor threw back his head, howling with deranged laughter.

Was there nothing righteous and holy in the world?! Pip's mind began to shut down, nearly overloaded. He heard a cry and the sound of footsteps, but he didn't have the mental organization to warn the poor fools...

"Snap out of it!"

FWACK!

If that pervert's exposure wasn't enough to put him in a coma, Seras's slap could have done it.

Pip sat up, eyes wide and wild. He stared into Seras's sympathetic and disturbingly red eyes.

"Is it gone?" He said, sneaking a glance passed Seras.

Headmaster Integra and her sidekick...aide, Assistant Headmaster Maxwell stood over them looking grim. A somewhat pleased Father Renaldo presided over a now unconscious and properly covered Incognito. Integra passed Pip a flask.

"Drink some, it will help."

Pip nodded and took a swig of good German beer. He grinned a looked a little questioningly at the school administrators.

"It's the quickest, cheapest, and most effective way to treat trauma cases like yours," Maxwell offered.

"That's too much," Integra muttered, disgusted. She scowled at the prone form. "I'll have Alucard take care of him..."

Pip winced at that thought. He wasn't quite sure what tall, dark, and homicidal would do to the pervert, but Pip had a healthy respect for the Nosferatu's macabre creativity.

"Err...Headmaster Hellsing, might you be able to direct us to the basement?" Seras asked.

"Pip took another drink. Still very dazed, he absently wondered if Integra would strip off her clothes...that might not be too terrible at all...

Integra sighed. "Oh yes, Alucard does have a class down there, doesn't he? The entrance is actually hidden beneath the western stairwell." She gestured towards that wing of the school.

"Thank you," Pip added quickly, taking another gulp of the beer.

Integra nodded, tightlipped. Enrico gave Seras a flirtatious grin.

"Let's go, Pip," the redhead sighed.

Pip feebly stood, but was quite pleased when Enrico and Integra left him, and the flask, alone with Seras.

"That was..." Pip began a little embarrassed.

"You managed to shield me from most of it," Seras said shyly. "And you gave a very clear warning...so I didn't see nearly as much as you did. Thanks, a lot."

Pip grinned boyishly. The "wounded soldier" bit always did work with the girls... "You're welcome...want a drink? If you like it, we can get more together." He winked.

Seras wrinkled her nose in distaste. Rolling her eyes, she merely answered, "Let's get to class."

Pip winced. Damn, he'd screwed that one up...ah well, it was only the beginning of second period. He'd get more chances, right?


End file.
